I'm not doing it.

1230am

My life completely crashed down tonight.

It started with Brandon. Of course.

It was great! We were hanging out, having a good time, and nothing was weird at all! After a couple hours, we ended up on the concrete of a basketball court at a park. He was laying down and my head was on his stomach. It was like two best friends. Like what I wanted from him. He started stroking my hair, arm, and face; it was really nice. I really missed the little things like that he'd do. Still, I kept it as friends in my head. I really care about David and would never do anything to hurt him. Also, I'm not willing to put myself out there and get hurt by Brandon, or anyone for that matter, again. I'm not doing it. I can't deal with all the pain again. It's too much for me to handle.

But things started to get more intimate. He'd brush his finger across my lips, rub his hands across my neck-which he knows drives me crazy-, or tilt my head towards his. It was painful. He's everything I've wanted for over seven months now, and I had to make myself say no.

It was like my heart was ripping. Everything I'd worked on to move on, everything I'd moved past, none of it mattered anymore. In an instant, all that work was wiped away.

I really like David so much! That's why it scared me that I had so much trouble telling Brandon no. I wasn't going to do anything; that wasn't an option. But...I felt vulnerable again. I let him in again.

I miss Brandon a lot and I miss a lot of things about him, but I can't go back to him, and I know that. I just hate how he made me feel so whole.

I come home then to an even better surprise-I was late so I lose my car and my parents aren't paying for college.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!

I don't know how to get a loan, fill out FAFSA, or any of that college shit. I can't pay for school on my own. If I have to drop out and work, the chances of going back are so slim. I'll end up like my brother. I don't know how to handle this.

He said I only care about myself. That I don't care about other people.

I live for other people. I don't do things for myself. I don't care about myself.

I don't know what to do. It's like this past month of such happiness was just some sick joke someone was playing on me. Making me think everything is happy and great again, then tearing it all away in one clean swipe.

I feel my chest wrenching open more and more with every tear that slides down my cheek. It's like the fall and winter all over. I cannot do this. Not again.